Running off course

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

I received an email Monday night with an offer from the Fulbright Commission to come and teach English in Poland. If any of you have read my past posts about Fulbright and the emotional roller coaster of the experience, you're probably not sure whether to curse or embrace  this development. That's pretty much how Tucker and I felt. Like this...

I mean, what should we do? We had prayed for clear direction from God about either staying stateside and finding jobs or moving to Europe for the adventure of our lives (can you tell which way I was leaning...heavily?). Then, I got a job offer in May from a wonderful private school in Atlanta to teach European and US history in their upper school. Problem solved, we thought. It was fairly terrible and heart-wrenching to release my dream of living in Poland, but I had pretty much moved on, what with working right now, finishing a thesis, graduating in two Saturdays, moving that same day, then starting my great new job the following Monday. I have a lot on my plate. And then I got that bloody email. 

Would it be running off course for Tucker and me to consider Poland? Would we be lacking faith if we left my job opportunity here for a unique, once in a lifetime chance there? Or would it be unfaithful to leave here when God worked out my job already? Why in the heck did God present us with this chance? If he wants us to stay here and start careers and a family, why even let the Fulbright people send me that stupid email? My brain was exhausted, my emotions spent, my convictions completely muddled, and my heart broken all over again. The dream I had literally wailed over losing was now reappearing, like magic, and I was powerless to grab it. It's like those dreams where you're being chased but you can't scream, except in reverse, where I was chasing Poland and wanting to badly to accept but all the sudden my vocal cords froze up. I was (still am?) angry, depressed, and deeply sad. 

It turns out that we must stay. We have obligations, contracts to uphold. Everyone keeps telling me that it's OK to decline because it's still such an honor to have been awarded Fulbright status. I can even put it on my resume, they gush. Well, I could care less. What's the point if I don't get to actually experience it, live it out for nine months, see how God stretches and grows me and Tucker, how I could become a better teacher and a wiser person? 

I guess this is the true, final goodbye to Poland. It will be so terribly difficult to run the race before me with perseverance and not look back over my shoulder at Poland, not wonder if that choice would really have been off track, not mourn for what could have been. Right now, I feel like I'm stumbling and crawling in the direction I think is right, but hopefully I'll hit my stride soon. Luckily I'm not alone in this endeavor, because surely my own strength will fail me in this, the path determined for me.