Word to your mother

Recently, an article has been floating around peoples' Facebook statuses that discusses a Christian woman's cultural encounters as a mother of 5. She voiced a lot of things that I've been sorting through myself, so I decided to mention them here in case some other 20-somethings women are doing the same. To read the above mentioned article, click here

Ever since Tucker and I married in 2007, I've felt the weight of conflicting social normatives regarding motherhood and family planning. On one end of the spectrum, you should start a family in your mid-to-late 20s, or else you're being selfish. On the other end, you're losing your independence and forfeiting your goals if you start a family before the age of 35. So, during the last four years, I've seen both sides of the "motherhood" debate, and honestly, I've felt judgement from both sides over either delaying motherhood in favor of schooling, or ending schooling with just a masters degree in favor of acting on what's best for our (future) family. It turns out, each side of the spectrum judges the other, maybe out of fear, or self-righteousness, or just ignorance.

I'm not a mother, so all of these observations are just that, observations. I don't pretend to have any practical knowledge about being a mother or the challenges involved in motherhood. But I do know that my fellow 20-something female friends and I feel similar pressures, creating a sort of "pressure cooker" of family planning. Caveat: my summary below of positions on motherhood are the extreme ends of the spectrum.

My academic friends will readily stand and defend a woman's right to her reproductive rights, namely in reference to abortion. But, ironically, when I tell these same friends that Tucker and I are looking to start a family in the next several years, I'm met with incredulous disbelief. Worse than that, I feel judged that, in their eyes, I'm forfeiting my academic career to have kids? What in the world? My decision to terminate my studies with a masters is far more complicated that merely "having children" or "not having children," but I don't understand how some of these women judge me for something that doesn't even impact them.

But in some ways, maybe their response is merely defense against the other side of the spectrum that tells women they must forego higher education or pursuing a career because you can't be a good mother and work outside of the home. In some instances, yes, often children fall to the bottom of a woman's priority list, trailing behind career, love, exercise, travel, or social life. The motherhood article above covers this topic well. But in many cases, I know women who are excellent mothers and fantastic professionals. I also know mothers who stay-at-home with their children, and they are smart women, with higher education, strong convictions, and impressive talents. They are not wasting these attributes and accomplishments by staying home with their children, either.

So, why is it that in our society, we automatically judge those who make different decisions than we do? And why is it that we feel somehow vindicated in sharing our judgements regarding something as personal and complicated as family planning and career? But I totally find myself doing it too. When someone announces they are pregnant with a third or fourth child, I always say "WOW," which probably makes them feel that I'm thinking "do you know what birth control is?" What I'm really thinking is, "Wow, 4 kids. Do I want 4 kids? That sounds like a huge responsibility." Oftentimes my response to someone else's family decision is really a product of my own insecurity, fear, or anxiety over the fact that Tucker and I will have to make those decisions at some point too.

So the point is, right now, at this point in my life, I will face judgement when (and if) I announce that I'm pregnant. It's that simple. Some people will judge me for starting a family too early, without enough financial stability, without having done enough "fun" things before being tied down  to children. Others will judge me for not having kids sooner, or for (maybe) continuing to work after starting a family. Don't get me wrong, I'll get plenty of excitement too. Too bad it can't be excitement all around, though.

It seems, from my humble observations, that regardless of if you're a stay-at-home mom or a work-outside-the-home mom, our society launches ridiculous expectations at you from all fronts. Maybe we should stop judging so much and instead grant the priority and respect motherhood should earn, whether you have a child at 22 or 42.